When I got home from my weekend in California, all I wanted to do was cry the whole next day at work. Every thought that went through my mind overwhelmed me and made me well up with tears. Looking at the ceiling was all I could do to not let the tears run down my cheeks. Wednesday sucked to say the least, but I came home to Greg and a hug and kisses and flowers. That made it better.
I watched a preview this morning for the next Harry Potter movie that's coming out in December, only to realize that by that time we will have an almost one-month old and we can't up and leave to see a movie whenever we want anymore. (Greg and I see lots of movies. We've always called it "our thing.") I freaked and I cried, sitting at the computer with PerezHilton on the screen. Lame reason to cry, but I'm quickly realizing how soon we will be three instead of two. I'm scared about how things are going to change "us." I know everyone says that our whole world will soon revolve around Baby C, and while I know it will and that it's a wonderful blessing, I don't want Greg or I to neglect each other. I want each of us to continue to know how important we are to one another and how much we love each other. Maybe I'm worried about how things will be 'then' because right now, I'm always tired and just can't keep up and feel like I am already neglecting our relationship.
Cleaning seems overwhelming. Organizing seems overwhelming. Getting Baby C's room ready seems overwhelming. Being at work seems overwhelming. Finding daycare/a nanny/nanny share. Figuring our finances. Sheesh! Having Greg gone when I miss him bunches seems overwhelming. EVERYTHING seems overwhelming. I like to sleep because it shuts my mind off and I can't let thoughts run through my mind that only seem to perpetuate my worry and anxiety. I just want to cry.
Don't get me wrong, I am SO looking forward to meeting our baby. I can't wait to meet him. I'm just extremely scared of what's going to be. When does being responsible for another human being other than yourself... being a family of three instead of two... everything that comes with having your first baby because reality and become "normal?" When does "freak-out" mode end? I'm already a ball of anxiety as it is... all of these crazy thoughts of mine are just perpetuating these emotions.
My baby shower was great. Thank you mom for throwing that for me. I am lucky and blessed to have the people that I have in my life that attended. Thank you. It was great to see everyone. I received a lot of wonderful things for Baby C. Pictures are on my mom's camera and I'm waiting for a picture CD from her to come in the mail so that I can get some developed and post some.
My friend A came, who's due three days before me, and I got emotional and cried when she left. Grr. I have not been emotional, crying at nothing, until this past week. To top the day of emotions off, my boobs leaked on my dress. AWESOME.
Yesterday I had my glucose tolerance test. I'm hoping the results are normal so that I don't have to do the three hour one. I also had a regular appointment. The nurse midwife I saw yesterday said Baby C is head down, with his back to my left side, and arms and legs to my right side. She gave me some exercises to do to get his back facing my tummy. They're kind of silly, but I'm willing to do them to have a baby in the correct position.
As of right now I don't know if my total weight gain is at nine pounds or at four pounds, and here's why.
As you know, I switched doctor's offices and scales rarely measure the same. The nurse midwives said their scale runs about five pounds heavy, hence the five-pound confusion. So, here's what my weight has done over the past 29 or so weeks.
3/23 - 164
4/2 - 162
5/3 - 161
5/11 - 163
6/9 - 163
6/28 - 162
7/19 - 164
8/13 - 172 (new scale... 167?)
9/10 - 173 (new scale... 168?)
I guess it's very possible that between 7/19 and 8/13 I gained eight pounds, but looking at the consistency in the past of a pound or two, I kind of doubt it. Three sounds more realistic. Who knows though. Damn scales. Never the same!!!
Six years ago today I met Baby C's daddy and the man that I was going to marry. He made me a Corona with lime at his buddy JJ's house and while we were both drunk at Mountain Charlie's in Los Gatos, I smooched him. I've always made the first move. Haha. He owed his buddies breakfast the next day for that public display of affection. Sorry baby!
I'm all over the place and so is my mind, but LIFE IS GOOD.
Oh yeah - new bump pictures:
29 weeks and 4 days
Oh yeah - new bump pictures:
29 weeks and 4 days
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I also forgot to add that I received my first blog award from Making Macready's! ;)
Mrs. Macready is a FANTASTIC blogger. She keeps up with it, even though she has three precious kids that keep her on her toes! I can't keep up and I don't have one yet!
THE RULES:
1. Thank the person who gave this award to you.
Thank you Brina! It's very cool to get my first blog award from a great blogger and cool mama like yourself!
1. Thank the person who gave this award to you.
Thank you Brina! It's very cool to get my first blog award from a great blogger and cool mama like yourself!
2. Copy the award and put it on your blog.
It's above!
3. List three things which you love about yourself.
I love that I'm independent. I love that I'm nerdy. I love that I'm a simple person to please.
4. Post a picture you love.
5. Tag five people you wish to pass this award on to.
Fun, funny, and fantastic "Mommy Blogger" Sandi Benson - Habitat4Insanity
Talented writer and a fellow Hapa, KristAn Hoffman - KristanHoffman
My former dance buddy Katie, documenting her first experiences in mommyhood with her new little one Bryndy Kate - TheRenaghanFamily
New York taxi cab driver and blogger, bring New York to you - King of New York Hacks
I lose! I don't follow that many blogs! ;)
Hang in there! Freak-outs come and go. It's part of life, and everything is magnified when there's a third. My mother gave us the best advice on our relationship post-baby. She said we'd forget to nurture our marriage because we'd be so busy nurturing Enzo, and she was 100% right. It's common knowledge that having a baby is hard on a relationship, but knowing that is a big step toward making it better.
ReplyDeleteJust remember to take a minute for yourselves every once in a while. Stop thinking about anything except each other for 60 seconds, as wrong as it feels to stop thinking about Baby C for even 10 seconds. Go see that movie! (If you have sitting available. Or wait til it's rentable and reminisce about the days when you could go to the theater, as you watch it in 15-minute increments over the course of a week.)
Whatever you do, don't worry. Life goes on. As selfish as it sounds, it helps me to remember that other people have a little misery in their lives too, and then the hard moments don't seem so hard. You guys will be fine... from what I've read here you and Greg have a really exceptional love, and Baby C can only add to it :)