New year, new me.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that's thought "I wish I could be as skinny as the first time I ever thought I was fat."

I remember the two instances that that made me question my physical appearance and body image. The first was with my boyfriend in high school. I've never had a great stomach (it's one of my biggest insecurities) and at one point, he asked me if the line from where my stomach naturally creased was a scar. I remember the exact moment and I remember how it made me feel. The thoughts after were about whether or not my stomach was fat and gross. Why do I have that line? I MUST be fat! After that I remember being at Mervyn's trying on some good ol' LEI jeans. They had studs on the back pockets. I remember trying on my usual size 5 and they were too small. I was horrified that I had to move up to a size 7! What I would give to be a size 8 now?!

Since then my body image has been poor. My weight has gone up and down, up and down. I've been as high as 198 (40 weeks pregnant) and 188.8 after having both of the boys (and antidepressants) and as low as 135 when I met Greg and was wearing a size 4 at Abercrombie and Fitch. At 145 lbs, 8/9 years ago, I was sporting a size 6. I've never loved my body. I still don't. I've always wanted to be thin. I've always wanted to feel pretty. And I have never had that self confidence. I am my own worst critic and I compare myself to everyone. I would love to not feel the way I do. I wasn't born with a small frame that was meant to carry a little bit of weight. I am big-boned, not small, and I was born with an athletic build.

In my quest to be healthy for myself and my family, I started Camp Gladiator on 1/3/16. It's a bootcamp style workout, which works really well for me. The coaches are encouraging and every workout is challenging! I'm enjoying the camaraderie and getting to know the people I see and work out with on a regular basis. I've lost about 18 inches and 18.8 pounds since the beginning of the year. I'm still not confident with the way my body feels or looks, and let's be honest, after having two kids (one of which was a 9 pounder), my stomach is never going to look as good as it did the first time I thought I was fat.

This time I'm in it for the long run. I'm not giving up. I'm not quitting. This routine is going to be a part of my life, for the rest of my life.

With my improvement in fitness and endurance I've also started running again. I'm registered for the first 10K I've run since we lived in Charleston, SC (2008). I have every intention of beating my former PR of 58:14. Granted I'm not running at sea level like I was in Charleston, but I'm going to try my best.


Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss

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